Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
