We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
