I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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