I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
