Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
