He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
