Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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