I wanna bring you to show and tell
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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