I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
She needs sedatives and a leash
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
