Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
