My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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