I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
