Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Just invented taco cereal.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
