Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
he was CRYING into my vagina
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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