I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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