keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
