I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
