it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
