I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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