He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Randomize
