people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
