I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
