remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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