So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
this just has baby written all over it
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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