I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
