Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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