Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
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