Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
