I accidentally had phone sex last night
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
