Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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