Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
