the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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