sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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