last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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