My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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