Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Randomize