I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
