this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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