just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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