My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
