Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
