omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
