I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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