Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
