i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
