I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Randomize
