Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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