He kissed a someone with a penis
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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