I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
