MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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