Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
