Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
