the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
