i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
