I want to walk on stilts...naked
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
