Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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