I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Enjoy the penises
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
