Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
