Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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