cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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