I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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