When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
